I'm Not Duff, But I Already Knew That.

My Step-Dad said he was sick and tired of plain cakes for his birthday, and requested that I make him a cake shaped like a fish that would look all bloody when it was cut open.

I said, and I believe this is a direct quote, "You are on the crack rock."

Turns out that he and Mom have just watched too many episodes of "Ace of Cakes" on the Food Network. And somehow he came to believe that I was capable of creating this fish cake, despite the fact that I have only ever decorated a cake once. Like ever. And it had plastic flowers and toy snakes on it -- it did not require any sort of specialized cake knowledge.

Still, it was all he wanted, and he kept pestering me about it, so there was no escaping the fish cake.

I'm a decent baker, but I just used a red velvet cake mix for this. I figured I would have to put in plenty of work on the outside, so I was just gonna let the inside take care of itself. I baked it, waited for it to cool, carved out a simple fish cake, covered it in icing, and came to understand that fondant is very, very sticky and difficult to work with. (I also learned that it takes four days for black food coloring gel to come out from under your fingernails. Ew.)

So...in the end it was sort of shaped like a fish, and it was the smooth grey that I had imagined, but other than that it looked sort of stupid to me. My Step-Dad loved it, though!

I'm just going to chock this one up as a "learning experience," and keep baking things that taste good, regardless of whether or not they resemble cartoon animals.

Speaking of Cthulhu...

Can someone please translate this? Because it is awesome.

That is all. Carry on.

Edited to add:
It seems to be Finnish, and the internet translator Lennox found translated it to include such gems as "Everybody extraneous beyond winged crochet spiral" and "no will assimilate mascot Considerably Antique!"

Take that, Engrish! (You can see the full [sort of] translation for yourself here.)

Tick-tock, Clarice.

The holidays are sneaking up on me, and I don't just mean Halloween. No, unfortunately, I mean the ones with the gift-giving.

For people who shop, two months seems like a long time. For those of us who make gifts, it's cold sweat time.

I've been making my Christmas gifts for several years, at first for basic poverty reasons, but later because it was more satisfying. It's easy to find something perfect for that tough giftee if it comes straight from your brain. The mall has limited offerings, but my gifts are limited only by my time and materials. And, you know, gift-making is fun, and it prevents mall-based panic attacks. (Super bonus, right there.) Also, for all of my usual crushing failure, my gifts tend to turn out nicely -- which is a nice boost to the old self-esteem.

Along the way, I found that people really liked my gifts, despite my initial worries that people would think I was cheap. Most people are really touched that I've taken the time to do something personal, regardless of how fancy the actual item is.

But I have no idea what to make people this year. There are so many things I could make that I'm not sure what to do at all. And I'm running out of time.

I've given mostly knitted gifts the last few years, but I started knitting in the summer to finish them in time. This year I think I'd better rely on much faster crafting methods, so I'll probably sew most things. But that only narrows the options a little bit...hats? Flannel scarves? Bags? Cthulhu dolls?

Any suggestions? Help!

Craftoberfest...So Much Fun, It Must Be Repeated.

Man, I wish I had gotten pictures of everyone's projects, but I completely forgot to do it. However, I think I can safely say that everyone had some fun last Saturday -- and some creative success.

Let's see, we had some leather cuff bracelet making, a bunch of shrinky-dinks, my voodoo doll (pictured above), and a perfectly awesome Halloween tree, complete with orange pom-poms and googly eyes!

I think I understand the knitting group phenomenon now. It's just plain fun to sit around and make stuff with other people...

We're definitely going to have to do this again next year.

The "Frugality" of Home Sewing.

I finally finished this shirt over the weekend, and I'm not 100% happy with it, but I already wore it, and I'll wear it again. It's...okay. Mediocre. The print is awesome, but it looks a little weird on. It's just...eh.

Anyway, you know how people claim that it's more frugal to sew your own clothes? It's not, usually. (There are exceptions to this rule, I know. I will explain that in a minute.*)

Let's use this shirt as an example. It was made from a pretty basic pattern (Simplicity 4589). I used good old 100% cotton broadcloth, and regular all-purpose thread. I don't sew particularly slowly, but I have a difficult to fit figure, so pattern alteration does take some time. (I'm not just plus-sized, I am extremely pear-shaped. Like...my hips are something like three dress sizes bigger than my torso. Fun!)

Anyway, by my rough calculation, this shirt cost me about $170 to make.

Go ahead and clean up the beverage that you just sprayed all over your monitor. I'll wait.

Finished? Here's my estimate:
Pattern = $9
Cloth = $19
Thread = $2
Pattern alteration (time) = $34
Cutting out (time) = $37
Sewing (time) = $67
Total = $168
(Time calculated using my normal hourly rate for bookkeeping clients.)

Why did I include my time? Because my time counts. No, no, you may be saying -- it only counts when you're selling. Nope. It counts always -- and that's one of the main reasons why making stuff by hand is so darned hazardous. If you put 7 1/2 hours into a simple cotton shirt that doesn't even fit very well...you've just wasted the equivalent of a whole day's (paid) work. OUCH! You're also choosing to put that many hours and that much effort into something you can get much more easily and far cheaper on the open market.**

Home sewing is a gamble, and not just for the beginner. I mess up all the time, and I've been sewing since my early teens. I don't know, maybe I'm just sort of lousy at it...but I don't think so. I used to get paid to do this stuff -- I was a theatrical costumer for six years!

When you mess up, it feels a lot worse than shopping for a garment that doesn't fit right -- because you're also out the time you spent, and the thing you've carefully made...is not returnable.

I know that there are steps you can take to ensure that your projects don't end in flames quite so often as my own do. You can work with a "body double" or a well-fitted dressmaker's dummy -- that really helps -- or you can make patterns from ready-made clothes that already fit you well. You can also learn to draft original patterns to your exact measurements.

But it's just heartbreaking to make a mediocre shirt for $168. I could get 10 or 15 mediocre shirts at the thrift store for that amount -- including my time spent.

So, beware the "frugal" home sewing project. It may be veeeeeery costly in the end.

(*Special occasion dresses can be made much more cheaply than ready-made...but generally only when you discount your own labor. Using a pattern more than once changes its cost, too -- as well as using free materials -- but we'll get into that later, since it's more of an accounting issue than a crafting issue. **This does not even scratch the surface of sweatshop labor issues and the actual consequences of a $12 shirt from somewhere like Old Navy -- believe me, I understand that. I'm just making a different point.)

Craftoberfest!

Tomorrow will be the first ever Craftoberfest. What is Craftoberfest? you must be asking yourself. Well, I don't know, but I think it will involve crafts, and maybe beer.

I'd better figure it out, though, because guests are coming, and they will need snacks. And shrinky-dinks. And felt.

I, ah, probably should have done a little planning before I chose a date and issued invitations. Oh, well! I'll tell you all about it later...

Crushed Once Again.

So...I almost finished the dress from that toile that fit so well. The dress has been abandoned in its current form, as it looked horrible.

Like, really horrible.

Also it seemed to have grown about two dress sizes larger than the toile...though I used the same pattern and general type/weight of fabric. What the...?

I don't know, man, I really don't. I've been sewing for 17 years and I still eff up like this ALL THE TIME. I follow the rules, alter patterns, measure twice and cut once, and almost everything I sew sucks ass.

I just don't get it.

Anyway, in lieu of posting a photo of my newest disaster, I am going to go curl up in a ball, wail in despair, and give some serious thought to giving up sewing altogether.

P.S.
Time wasted on this project: At least ten hours, all told. F*ck me!

This Fabric Is So Loud, It's Screaming.

But who could resist? Not me, as you can plainly see. I mean, this print is wild. The colors are a little more intense than in the photo, and the white flower in the center is around 4 inches across, to give an idea of the oversized scale of the print. (You can get your own at Cheap Threads, if you feel so inclined. It's an Alexander Henry fabric called "Abbey Road.")

I just ordered a Butterick shirt pattern on sale for this fabric. After the success of my bust and upper hip altered muslin, I'm feelin' a little cocky. (And a little psychedelic, apparently.)

We'll see how long this optimism lasts...

Success -- and I'm Not Even Injured.

I'm not sure how to react. But this awful, hastily thrown together toile...actually fits.

Yep, it's made of plain old muslin, and it was sewn with whatever thread I already had on the machine -- probably black. This wasn't meant to be a finished garment, but I have had too many sewing failures lately to take a chance with any regular fabric.

Anyway, this is the bodice from Simplicity 4116, which is out of print but is available as a free download from Print Sew. It took a heck of a lot of recycled printer paper to print it out, but since I trace and alter most patterns, I didn't really mind that it was all wonky and taped together. I did a full bust alteration* and a sway back alteration, as well as a slight alteration to the upper hip. I had no hope that it would even come close to fitting.

But it did. Like a glove -- a glove with the proper amount of ease, even. Unbelievable! It even fit through the shoulders just like it should, and I haven't had that happen since about 1998.

Now I just have to alter the skirt to match, and figure out which nice fabric I'm going to use for the finished product...

(*I finally figured out that when people say that commercial patterns are designed for a "B cup," they don't actually mean "B cup" in the same way that bra manufacturers do. They mean two to three inches larger than your ribcage. You see, most standard bras have cups that increase with band size, regardless of what they call the cup size. I wear a 40C currently, despite the fact that my bust measurement is a full six inches larger than my ribcage -- and four inches larger than my upper bust. So I had to do the equivalent of a DD alteration, even though that is not anywhere near my commercial bra size. This is such a useful thing to know about plus size sewing that I felt I should add the explanation.)

The Official Pledge.

I almost forgot to do this, but here is my official Wardrobe Refashion pledge:

I, Sarah L. Crowder, pledge that I shall abstain from the purchase of "new" manufactured items of clothing for the period of 4 months. I pledge that I shall refashion, renovate, and recycle pre-loved items for myself with my own hands in fabric, yarn, or other medium for the term of my contract. I pledge that I will share the love and post a photo of my refashioned, renovated, recycled, crafted, or created item of clothing on the Wardrobe Refashion blog, so that others may share the joy that my thriftiness brings!

So, there ya go. I've officially pledged. Now I need to go introduce myself on the site...which I'll probably get around to doing in, ah, month three or so? Yeah.

Just Me and My Shadow [Boxing].

I fully intend to make a paper tape "body double" next weekend. I really need it for draping purposes, and I bought the supplies to make it over a year ago...yet I have not done it.

There are several reasons for this.

First of all, my perennial favorite: Procrastination. I am his slave, and although he'll never get around to telling me so, he is my master. I've put off other useful projects for much longer than I've avoided this one. So, you know, that's definitely part of it.

Secondly, I'm afraid that the way I'll have to be wrapped up will cause me to have a panic attack -- particularly since it will take a long time to dry. I sometimes have confinement issues, and I'm afraid that the process will be triggering.

And last (but not least), I'm not sure how eager I am to confront an accurate papier mache representation of my body, rolls and all. Despite lurking on all the best fat acceptance blogs -- and the ever amazing Fatshionista -- I am only a short distance away from intense body hatred most of the time. Even knowing how well my home made clothing could fit with the aid of a good dress form, I'm not sure how upsetting it will be to see the shape of me -- 3-D -- without the distancing and distortion of a mirror.

I will be forced to contend with the actual shape that others see, not the shape that I perceive -- which I suspect is a vague rendering of memory and wishful thinking. I'm going to have to accept that my 51 inch hips are not merely academic theory but actual solid matter.

I'm more than a little bit afraid of that.

But I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks, and I need something to wear. And for me, vanity trumps fear any day of the week. Hey, I may be fat...but I love nice clothes at least as much as everyone else. And for some of us, that means sewing those nice clothes.

So...go Team Vanity! We will triumph!